Flirt Diva Answers Your Questions
March 27th 2009 11:27
1.. Dear Flirt Diva,
. Hi Flirt Diva,
I need your advice on my relationship problem. Here are the facts:
• Been together for 4 years
• Known each other for 8 years (dated for 18 months, split up for approx 3 years and then got back together)
• Live apart - see each over the weekend (Fri-Mon)
• Sex life: 1-2 times a month
I'm Peter, 29 and my girlfriend is 28. After 4 years the chorus from friends and family asking me when I'm going to 'pop the question' grows by the day. We've discussed it, jokingly, but we both laugh and play it quiet cagily.
My problem is that she fits the bill in so many ways but there are pieces of the pie which remain empty and it's this, that is holding me back from making the ultimate commitment.
As you can see from above; our sex life is woeful. I'd have sex every night or at least every other night if she'd let me. She sets rules about our sex life i.e. not on a school night unless we're in bed early (8-9pm). In a nutshell sex is her way or no way.
A huge part of me is saying, end it. Move on and find someone else, maybe even spend some time being single again. However what is stopping me is during the 3 years we were apart I dated lots of different girls and even though the sex with some of them was mind expanding, that was all it was. All of the other stuff, the stuff that makes a girlfriend was missing and it made me realise that sex isn't everything but that it has to be part of a bigger package, a bigger pie. Plus when we split up last time I was devastated, even though I ended it! I'd never experienced anything like it - I was gutted - to the core. After 18 months I realised I couldn't get past her, so decided to get back together with her, which took a further 18 months.
I think what I need is to be able to communicate the way I feel to her and see how she responds over a set time period. The relationship has not been quite right for a while and I thought that a 4 week trip travelling around Thailand (this March/April) would be a good test and to be honest we came through it well (sex was still hard to get. maybe 4 times in 4 weeks) - but I'm not sure if we're now more friends then boyfriend and girlfriend.
If we got married tomorrow with these 'issues' still bubbling away I'm scared that I'd stray, out of frustration, and then I'd end up hurting her, which I'd hate to do.
All I know is that I want to be damn sure before I make any rash decisions - so I suppose the question I'm asking you is - how can I be sure or as the Clash song goes "Should I stay or should I go?".
I know you're busy but any help would be very much appreciated.
All the best
Peter
A. Hi Peter,
You’ve said yourself you’ve got the ‘best friends’ part down pat, and as you found in your ‘break-up adventures’, it’s been hard to come by anyone that’s nearly as fabulous as this girl; and while you had ‘mind expanding’ sex, those women were incompatible in other ways, so let’s narrow it down and say for arguments sake, that right here, right now, your girlfriend is looking pretty close to being your perfect woman.
And yes there are problems, but it seems like the sex is a symptom of a larger crisis. I find myself wondering about your girlfriend’s level of commitment. You said yourself the sex was amazing before the break, but has been functional and infrequent ever since. You also said the relationship was not quite right before the 4-week trip away and it took 18 months to get back together after the split¬ – so my question is – where is she with all this? That’s the conversation you’re overdue to have. That’s when a picture will emerge regarding the way the two of you view the relationship in the long-term.
The next step is how to approach the chat since you’ve already said she’s defensive and prickly. So here’s what you’re going to do: write a list of her good qualities, elaborate with recent examples, then sit her down and tell her the top ten things you adore about her and about the two of you together. And ask how she’s feeling about it all. And while you’re there why not ask her thoughts on the hypothetical marriage question? It makes perfect sense to discuss these things before doing anything rash, so she should be up for it. And rather than complaining about the lack of sex, ask about her level of attraction and is does she still have the hots for you? This doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation, just try to keep it light – and humorous if you can!
Remind her of how amazing things were back in the day and ask what you can do to get things back to that level. You really need to know whether she’s still feeling the chemistry Pete. Because if it transpires that she’s not – you won’t be the only one who’s ‘straying’ down the track.
So in answer to your dilemma, put your cards on the table with this one. There’s too much at stake to pussyfoot around. If the outcome is ‘just friends’ you’re better off knowing that sooner rather than later. Good luck with it!
2.. . I have a man that I have been with since 12/07 and he is a beautiful person inside and out but im not attracted to him. But he is a very good provider and he loves me to death. he does not turn me on just by looking at him darn he does not turn me on at all but I love the things he does for me and I know he would and will take care of me. What does this mean?
Thanks loveless
A. Ah, so shallow! But hey you’re only human and I’m sure we all agree that it’s nice to be turned on by those we share the greater portion of our lives with. But here’s the thing: surely if he `loves you to death and is generous and supportive’, you must see the love beaming right out of his eyes, right? And isn’t that a turn on in itself? I mean fast forward to twenty years down the track when you’re both getting on and the onset of wrinkles and grey hair means that looks are becoming a non-issue, it’s not going to be such a big deal then is it?
In the meanwhile, is there anything you can do to improve his appearance? Can you sex him up a bit’? Give him deep hair conditioning treatments and facials; might you be turned on more if he was meticulously groomed and impeccably turned out?
I’d try to focus on the `inner man’. Bottom line, he can’t change his looks, but you can change your attitude – especially if he’s such a good guy. And you sound like you’re still pretty cheerful after your first year together. And realistically, what do you expect if you dump this guy? Brad Pitt!
3. There's this guy at college, we've known each other for about two years, but im now starting to have feelings for him i just want to be with him all the time, and i think he feels the same way but i can't be sure.. What should i do? Should i tell him my feelings for him and ask him out? Or should i just leave it as it is? I am so confused, he is giving out mixed signals, like when we get on the bus together from collage i sit next to him and he starts talking about the cinema and tickling me but he doesn't actually ask me to the cinema.. And then when we get off the bus he gives me and hug and goes home.. He's leaving college soon and i don't want to leave it till it's too late! I don't think i could ever forgive myself if he went and i never saw him again.
A. If he is shy, he could he be expecting you to jump in and say, “I wanna see that film, let’s go together!” So if he keeps telling you he’s going somewhere fun, just grab the bull by the horns and invite yourself, there’s nothing scary about that!
But otherwise, I’d keep things light and breezy – for now at least. The fact that you are so close could make it really awkward if it turns out that you have indeed misread the signs – all that studying and travelling together could be tough. And I’m sure you don’t want to jeopardise the friendship. So, think about how you’d cope in the worst case scenario and how you’d feel if it did screw things up between the two of you.
I’d take your time with this one. Go to the movies with him, have some fun and adopt a ‘wait and see’ approach? It can’t hurt.
4. Please help flirt diva.
I have got a problem.
I am 26 year old. I have never had sex.
Is dangerous for health not to have sex all these ages.
Well I’m pleased to say it’s not dangerous – so far as I know! Likewise losing your virginity is not the most important thing. Finding someone special is. Having said that, sex is good for you, so you might want to think about getting on to it at some point. If a relationship doesn’t seem to be looming any time soon, you might want to try developing platonic friendships, so you can get used to communicating with women without all the pressure (if that is a concern). Also, if you need something to get you relaxed with the idea of ‘touch’ – a massage course could be fun, as well as making you at ease with how to touch a woman.
5.I am grumpy all the time, take little things too seriously, argue about nothing. Its getting to be a serious problem with myself and partner. I have been ill recently too, worried about money but now he says its more than the headaches making me snappy. What do I do to control my temper? Its upsetting me too.
A. I know how you feel! You need to de-stress, and there are lots of little things you can do to make a difference. Exercise for one: unleash the grumpy demons within. Slam into a punching bag, run or swim, cycle or hike. Find a way to get the frustration out. Take Vitamin B supplements, improve your diet and stride out for hi-energy walks whenever you feel the onslaught coming on. I’ve found that replacing coffee with herbal tea works like magic!
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