Let Flirt Diva Answer Your Love Dilemmas
June 7th 2009 12:03
Q. Dear Flirt Diva,
I'm a 31-year-old woman but I look a lot younger for my age. Everyone thinks I'm still in my early 20s which is great except that I only ever end up attracting guys in the their early 20s too. I just don't ever seem to meet guys who are in their late 20s and 30s. I expect they're all at home with their girlfriends. Recently I went on a date with a 23-year-old - he's smart, claver and nice. Should I carry on seeing him or is it pointless? I am looking to settle down in the next few years...
A. Wow, you take this dating stuff seriously. Why? You’ve said yourself you don’t want to settle down for the next few years, what’s the big hurry? What’s the harm in having some fun dating rather than being so painfully corporate about it all?
Secondly, what’s wrong with the ‘smart, clever’ 23-year old? Why wouldn’t you want to carry on seeing him if he’s all those things? In these politically correct times we live in, one mustn’t be agist; society could care less about the older woman, younger man syndrome - thanks to Madonna, Demi, Kylie and a host of others, we’ve managed to get over our idiotic prejudices. Don’t be judgemental; just have a good time already! Enjoy the tryst in the knowledge that no experience is ever wasted. And finally, chill the freak out, there’s no need to panic. 30’s the new 20, or didn’t you know?
Q. Dear Flirt Diva,
I have been with my boyfriend on and off all year, we have dated
once and now this is our second time. During the past year’s on and
off flings, he has never wanted to commit. Now we're dating, and i
used to be so attracted to him, like he is still good looking and
everything but I'm not sexually attracted to him, like he doesn’t turn me on.
I feel like i long for something deeper than just sex, like it feels like i care for him so much that i almost love him. Although, I know that i dont love him, i feel like i have a deeper connection with him, and he is willing to take it slow for me. Note that i have been used many times, and i wonder if i want love before sex?
I just need some advice about what I’m going through because i
really like him a lot, and i've tried giving him up; But somehow we
get pulled back together.
If you can please help cause i really like this guy and i want to be able to please him, but it doesn’t help if i can’t get turned on.
A. It’s time to face up to some home truths – it’s clear you’re still carrying the baggage from those times when you’ve ‘been used and that’s not healthy. You can’t expect to find a good solid relationship when you’re damaged when you go in. You’re not ready for a relationship right now – especially not one as vague as this! Once you’ve been successful in sorting out your own head, and figuring out what you want, you’ll better equipped to handle relationships.
Abandonment issues, fear of rejection, low self-worth – they’re all here as clear as day, but your guy is doing nothing to allay your fears. He clearly has no idea of what he’s dealing with. As for you, you need to do some serious work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Finally, I’m sorry to say but I don’t think this is the right relationship for you – at least not now, not at this time. It’s doing nothing to support or nurture you, in fact, all it’s doing is confusing the hell out of you. You’d be better investing in your emotional health at the moment and working out who you are and what you want. Time for some ‘me’ time eh?
Q. Dear Flirt Diva,
I'm a female-to-male transsexual. I've known this since I was around 12yrs old, I'm now 21 and I recently set the ball rolling by going to the GP to get referred to the Gender Clinic. I'm now just waiting for a reply from them, which I heard can take a while.
I've told my 3 male house mates, several of my close friends, my Gran and only 3 people at work. So far everyone’s response has been that they’re 'not surprised' or even 'expected it'. This made me feel more confident.
I always wear guy’s clothes and always have. There was a slight problem with some people when I started work because I refused to wear the female uniform. But that was sorted and I get to wear the guy’s uniform instead.
Of the 3 people at work, one is a friend, one is my boss and the other is the Managing Director (big boss dude). I told the MD only last Friday. We agreed that he would mention it in the next Management meeting so all the Managers and Directors are aware of the situation. I feel this needs to be done but I am really nervous. I've gotten really nervous every time I've told someone this.
I'm worried that I'll be rejected as a friend and a person by everyone I know. I'm scared I'll end up so uncomfortable at work that I'll have to leave. I'm scared that I'll be outcast and bullied. I was bullied really badly at school and at home for all sorts of things, but never this, because I never told anyone. That's why I waited so long before doing this.
I also don't know what to do with regards to my ex-boyfriend. How do I tell him? We've been friends since we were 5. We dated for a while when we were 16 and we're still friends now, I just really don't know how he's going to take it or how best to tell him.
I'm just really confused and would like some advice, please?
Elliot, 21
A. Thanks for your letter Elliot, I so emphasise with you – not because I'm a female-to-male transsexual, but because I know the hideous sensation of plunging headfirst into a situation which you know only too well is going to generate the same old painful feelings of old.
In this case it’s bullying, and while you’ve been brave enough to go ahead and tell the right people about your situation, now, as the reality hits home, you are starting to doubt your decision, question whether you did the right thing and feel as though you’re about to re-enter a cycle of repetition and pain – and generally freak out. It’s a tough place but, from the tone of your letter, and your super mature approach to all this - I truly believe you’ve got the mechanisms to cope with it.
Rest assured, you won’t be rejected by everyone you know; nor is it likely you’ll have to leave your job. Let’s look at it from where you are now. If you `go there’ expecting to be bullied and you’re on the look-out for the bullying to start – you’ll find it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and that's the point where you have to start the change. You’ve been bullied in the past and the memories are cemented in your brain but it’s time to help break the cycle of victimisation.
Right now you need to focus on re-building your confidence. I strongly suggest you see a councillor who will help you deal with your fears, as well as giving you some practical tools to handle yourself around people that intimidate you. You could also read Self Matters by Dr. Phil to help you get out of your current mindset. Spend time with strong, positive role models, and people you admire - perhaps older people, those mature enough to know where you’re coming from.
This is a big moment in your life and it should be the most exciting. The way you handle it is imperative; you’ve absolutely got to psyche yourself up and prepare to face it head on. The past can only affect you in the way you choose or allow it to - remember that the most important thing about the past is that it's over. It’s time for you to move forward. Prepare to adjust your attitude to go into battle as you face your new future.
As for your ex b.friend, the sooner you get that conversation out of the way, the better! Steel yourself for the worst and you can’t go wrong.
You’ve made this supersonic decision because it’s the right thing for you. Well done you. Bottom line, this is your time and you need to surround yourself with positive people who genuinely care about you. Once you’ve taken the time to put these foundations in place you’ll be set to enjoy your fab new life. If anyone’s got a problem with it, always remember, it’s their issue – not yours. There are plenty of those who won’t and will love you for who you are. Find your supporters and stick with them!
I'm a 31-year-old woman but I look a lot younger for my age. Everyone thinks I'm still in my early 20s which is great except that I only ever end up attracting guys in the their early 20s too. I just don't ever seem to meet guys who are in their late 20s and 30s. I expect they're all at home with their girlfriends. Recently I went on a date with a 23-year-old - he's smart, claver and nice. Should I carry on seeing him or is it pointless? I am looking to settle down in the next few years...
A. Wow, you take this dating stuff seriously. Why? You’ve said yourself you don’t want to settle down for the next few years, what’s the big hurry? What’s the harm in having some fun dating rather than being so painfully corporate about it all?
Secondly, what’s wrong with the ‘smart, clever’ 23-year old? Why wouldn’t you want to carry on seeing him if he’s all those things? In these politically correct times we live in, one mustn’t be agist; society could care less about the older woman, younger man syndrome - thanks to Madonna, Demi, Kylie and a host of others, we’ve managed to get over our idiotic prejudices. Don’t be judgemental; just have a good time already! Enjoy the tryst in the knowledge that no experience is ever wasted. And finally, chill the freak out, there’s no need to panic. 30’s the new 20, or didn’t you know?
Q. Dear Flirt Diva,
I have been with my boyfriend on and off all year, we have dated
once and now this is our second time. During the past year’s on and
off flings, he has never wanted to commit. Now we're dating, and i
used to be so attracted to him, like he is still good looking and
everything but I'm not sexually attracted to him, like he doesn’t turn me on.
I feel like i long for something deeper than just sex, like it feels like i care for him so much that i almost love him. Although, I know that i dont love him, i feel like i have a deeper connection with him, and he is willing to take it slow for me. Note that i have been used many times, and i wonder if i want love before sex?
I just need some advice about what I’m going through because i
really like him a lot, and i've tried giving him up; But somehow we
get pulled back together.
If you can please help cause i really like this guy and i want to be able to please him, but it doesn’t help if i can’t get turned on.
A. It’s time to face up to some home truths – it’s clear you’re still carrying the baggage from those times when you’ve ‘been used and that’s not healthy. You can’t expect to find a good solid relationship when you’re damaged when you go in. You’re not ready for a relationship right now – especially not one as vague as this! Once you’ve been successful in sorting out your own head, and figuring out what you want, you’ll better equipped to handle relationships.
Abandonment issues, fear of rejection, low self-worth – they’re all here as clear as day, but your guy is doing nothing to allay your fears. He clearly has no idea of what he’s dealing with. As for you, you need to do some serious work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Finally, I’m sorry to say but I don’t think this is the right relationship for you – at least not now, not at this time. It’s doing nothing to support or nurture you, in fact, all it’s doing is confusing the hell out of you. You’d be better investing in your emotional health at the moment and working out who you are and what you want. Time for some ‘me’ time eh?
Q. Dear Flirt Diva,
I'm a female-to-male transsexual. I've known this since I was around 12yrs old, I'm now 21 and I recently set the ball rolling by going to the GP to get referred to the Gender Clinic. I'm now just waiting for a reply from them, which I heard can take a while.
I've told my 3 male house mates, several of my close friends, my Gran and only 3 people at work. So far everyone’s response has been that they’re 'not surprised' or even 'expected it'. This made me feel more confident.
I always wear guy’s clothes and always have. There was a slight problem with some people when I started work because I refused to wear the female uniform. But that was sorted and I get to wear the guy’s uniform instead.
Of the 3 people at work, one is a friend, one is my boss and the other is the Managing Director (big boss dude). I told the MD only last Friday. We agreed that he would mention it in the next Management meeting so all the Managers and Directors are aware of the situation. I feel this needs to be done but I am really nervous. I've gotten really nervous every time I've told someone this.
I'm worried that I'll be rejected as a friend and a person by everyone I know. I'm scared I'll end up so uncomfortable at work that I'll have to leave. I'm scared that I'll be outcast and bullied. I was bullied really badly at school and at home for all sorts of things, but never this, because I never told anyone. That's why I waited so long before doing this.
I also don't know what to do with regards to my ex-boyfriend. How do I tell him? We've been friends since we were 5. We dated for a while when we were 16 and we're still friends now, I just really don't know how he's going to take it or how best to tell him.
I'm just really confused and would like some advice, please?
Elliot, 21
A. Thanks for your letter Elliot, I so emphasise with you – not because I'm a female-to-male transsexual, but because I know the hideous sensation of plunging headfirst into a situation which you know only too well is going to generate the same old painful feelings of old.
In this case it’s bullying, and while you’ve been brave enough to go ahead and tell the right people about your situation, now, as the reality hits home, you are starting to doubt your decision, question whether you did the right thing and feel as though you’re about to re-enter a cycle of repetition and pain – and generally freak out. It’s a tough place but, from the tone of your letter, and your super mature approach to all this - I truly believe you’ve got the mechanisms to cope with it.
Rest assured, you won’t be rejected by everyone you know; nor is it likely you’ll have to leave your job. Let’s look at it from where you are now. If you `go there’ expecting to be bullied and you’re on the look-out for the bullying to start – you’ll find it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and that's the point where you have to start the change. You’ve been bullied in the past and the memories are cemented in your brain but it’s time to help break the cycle of victimisation.
Right now you need to focus on re-building your confidence. I strongly suggest you see a councillor who will help you deal with your fears, as well as giving you some practical tools to handle yourself around people that intimidate you. You could also read Self Matters by Dr. Phil to help you get out of your current mindset. Spend time with strong, positive role models, and people you admire - perhaps older people, those mature enough to know where you’re coming from.
This is a big moment in your life and it should be the most exciting. The way you handle it is imperative; you’ve absolutely got to psyche yourself up and prepare to face it head on. The past can only affect you in the way you choose or allow it to - remember that the most important thing about the past is that it's over. It’s time for you to move forward. Prepare to adjust your attitude to go into battle as you face your new future.
As for your ex b.friend, the sooner you get that conversation out of the way, the better! Steel yourself for the worst and you can’t go wrong.
You’ve made this supersonic decision because it’s the right thing for you. Well done you. Bottom line, this is your time and you need to surround yourself with positive people who genuinely care about you. Once you’ve taken the time to put these foundations in place you’ll be set to enjoy your fab new life. If anyone’s got a problem with it, always remember, it’s their issue – not yours. There are plenty of those who won’t and will love you for who you are. Find your supporters and stick with them!
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