Should we shag our friends?
October 1st 2006 12:18
The 1989 mega hit, When Harry Met Sally, which would have us believe that men and women just can’t have platonic relationships, because in the end sex will always get in the way. It’s a topic that’s just as relevant today. In the book, `Friends – Why Men and Women Are From The Same Planet', author Lisa Gee believes men and women can be friends; what's more that developing and maintaining friendships with the opposite sex will enrich your life in countless
ways.
Take a minute to think about the way opposite sex friends might enrich your life. I know in my case, it is often the ubiquitous gay friends that give me my fill of flirtiness and feel good stuff. And it’s not just because they’re gay. It’s because they’re masculine guys who are smart, gorgeous and funny. With my partner living on the other side of the world, I’ve probably come to depend on their comments, secrets, compliments, invitations and kisses.
So what if they weren’t gay? Would I still be able to enjoy that level of closeness without my partner feeling threatened? It all depends doesn’t it? It’s really about the specific feelings you have for that person. I’m guessing the reason that I don’t have a lot of heterosexual male friends in my life is that most guys I know have partners. And those partners generally don’t like being excluded from a different gender friendship. I know exactly how they feel. I’m the same. I’m sure many of you are too.
So it’s no wonder that we’re all walking on eggshells when it comes to platonic opposite sex friends. There’s no real PC template for how these should work. The result is that these friendships tend not to take their natural course; they’re nipped in the bud by disapproving partners. Which is a real shame because frankly in the 21st Century we should be a little broader in our thinking. Often the friendship is enjoyed on a basic level because of things in common and the different perspective it offers. It should be celebrated, not frowned upon.
At the end of the day, it’s not necessarily healthy to pour all your time, personality, energy and love into one person. It is nice to have access to different points of view that sometimes, only the opposite sex can offer. And just because you enjoy having a drink and sharing stories with a friend, it shouldn’t hurt your relationship. Because when you think about it, there’s no need for anxiety or fear provided you uphold the three rules of a strong relationship and be honest, communicative and sensitive about the way you conduct it. That way it really can benefit everyone. It all comes down to you being absolutely clear about your true feelings. Because if your feelings even hover in the smallest way towards wanting more than just friendship with the platonic friend, and you’re flaunting that in your partner’s face - you’re way out of line. And you’re making it hard for the rest of us who aren’t afraid to enjoy and acknowledge opposite sex friends without fear and recrimination.
ways.
Take a minute to think about the way opposite sex friends might enrich your life. I know in my case, it is often the ubiquitous gay friends that give me my fill of flirtiness and feel good stuff. And it’s not just because they’re gay. It’s because they’re masculine guys who are smart, gorgeous and funny. With my partner living on the other side of the world, I’ve probably come to depend on their comments, secrets, compliments, invitations and kisses.
So what if they weren’t gay? Would I still be able to enjoy that level of closeness without my partner feeling threatened? It all depends doesn’t it? It’s really about the specific feelings you have for that person. I’m guessing the reason that I don’t have a lot of heterosexual male friends in my life is that most guys I know have partners. And those partners generally don’t like being excluded from a different gender friendship. I know exactly how they feel. I’m the same. I’m sure many of you are too.
So it’s no wonder that we’re all walking on eggshells when it comes to platonic opposite sex friends. There’s no real PC template for how these should work. The result is that these friendships tend not to take their natural course; they’re nipped in the bud by disapproving partners. Which is a real shame because frankly in the 21st Century we should be a little broader in our thinking. Often the friendship is enjoyed on a basic level because of things in common and the different perspective it offers. It should be celebrated, not frowned upon.
At the end of the day, it’s not necessarily healthy to pour all your time, personality, energy and love into one person. It is nice to have access to different points of view that sometimes, only the opposite sex can offer. And just because you enjoy having a drink and sharing stories with a friend, it shouldn’t hurt your relationship. Because when you think about it, there’s no need for anxiety or fear provided you uphold the three rules of a strong relationship and be honest, communicative and sensitive about the way you conduct it. That way it really can benefit everyone. It all comes down to you being absolutely clear about your true feelings. Because if your feelings even hover in the smallest way towards wanting more than just friendship with the platonic friend, and you’re flaunting that in your partner’s face - you’re way out of line. And you’re making it hard for the rest of us who aren’t afraid to enjoy and acknowledge opposite sex friends without fear and recrimination.
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Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
You have to be careful though, because it is very easy to screw up a great friendship by shagging!
Comment by Ruth
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Comment by JakeDanger
The Matrix
When a woman says (when breaking up with a man), "let's just be friends", she really means: "You can still take me out, but don't touch me..."
When I man says "let's just be friends" he really means: "Well, I'm not gonna take you out anymore, but I wouldn't mind sleeping with you once in a while..."
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
An interesting question.
I am married and have male friends. I think your own words sum it up perfectly ...
It all comes down to you being absolutely clear about your true feelings.
If the mood should shift when I'm with one of my male friends and a window opens that could involve 'jumping in' I always stop and think what afterwards... what for?
The thing is, the mood doesn't shift because (a) I trust myself and (b) it's not the reason for the attraction in the first place. But then I am speaking for myself, as a female. As for males and Jake points out, maybe the attraction is always different from the males perspective... ... I just don't know how a male mind works in that department... in any department for that matter... I think men are nice, but strange...*giggle*
I enjoyed this post.
Lilla.